Between the Raindrops

Love, Hope, and Infertility

Brrr…..

It is finally starting to get pretty cold here and with it brings a reason for bonfires, crock pot dinners, and lighting of the fireplace 🙂  But more importantly as the days go by it brings me one step closer to starting fertility treatments once again!  I have nothing major to report except I will never ever use Wal-Mart .88 cheapies ever again.  I actually started on time this past month which was a huge blessing and I O’d on my own!  The small improvements my body is trying to make are making this so much easier to handle.  On another happy note, I have lost almost 20 lbs since my birthday 🙂  I added swimming to my routine and have stuck to a half time Paleo Diet (half time meaning at least one meal a day LOL).  This is also the time of year that I look forward too the most because of all the holidays and family get gatherings.  Now that my inlaws live WAY closer to us, it will mean more time together!  Sad last cycle was not ours but happy to say that I am improving.  Well I need to make dinner for a very hungry husband so as always….

*Hope, love, and raindrops*

 

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What is in a Name?

I have often asked myself this because truly my name means something weird but I really do like it.  It is almost rare and holds special significance to me in many ways.  My parents were just different in the sense and ended up having two girls.  My sister and I carry each of our grandparents middle names which seems to be very common.

DH on the other hand was named by his parents because they too dealt with infertility and they wanted a name that signified their struggle and then their blessing in his birth.  It fits him perfectly to say the least.

Over time we have thought about names as well.  Before our journey truly began we had names picked out as I think all engaged/newlyweds do BUT over the years the names have lost meaning with us.  With all we have been through it only seems fitting to gain a sense of honoring the birth of our child(ren) with a unique name.  Our little girl name we chose about two months ago as we were talking about combining both our mother’s middle names and Annabeth was decided.  It is sweet and at the same time honors two great women who have held our hands through this entire journey.  The middle name we chose is Grace because GOD’s grace has gotten us this far and will continue too as the days progress. 

Our boy name on the other hand, proved to be the hardest to decide.  We know that if we are lucky to have one baby we will stop trying UNLESS GOD decides we should have more.  A boy will carry on the family name and somehow I have always, deep down, figured we would have a boy like his parents.  Yes a bit ahead of myself but it is the small things that truly give hope to this situation.  DH was very adamant about the name having a meaning to our infertility journey since there are really no family names to use.  A few names were thrown around but the meaning behind them did not fit so we kept looking.  One night I had a very vivid dream about a green-eyed baby boy.  The doctor in my dream asked me what I wanted to name him but I just kept staring at my baby.  Finally after what seemed like forever I uttered Lucas Blake.  I woke up hoping the dream was true but in the end there was no baby in the house; it cut like a knife but I snuggled against DH and fell back asleep.  The next morning I told DH about my dream.  He laughed and said I guess this naming stuff is really following you to bed 😉  I then began to think what they name meant.  We both liked it a lot and it truly came out of nowhere.  Lucas means “bringer of light/luminous” and Blake means “from darkness/dark.” Lucas + Blake = Bringer of light from darkness and it was then we knew what we would name a boy. 

You know sometimes it is the smallest things that make the least sense but as a whole makes the picture come together somehow.  We may never have a child and we may never get to use both names but it gives us hope.   DH and I are closer because of this journey and it could have been a “make or break” situation but we have learned that we may bend but we do not fully break.  DH has been my solid rock this whole situation and never leaves anything to waste.  He does research and we dream together about the future.

I have always wanted to be a mother and wife, and GOD has blessed me with one of my dreams.  If it is the only one I ever get, in many ways I am truly blessed. 

*Until then love, hope, and raindrops*

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New chances

This morning I woke up to a blanket of snow on the ground.  It is has if the day is a blank slate and anything I dream can come true.  Almost as if what has already happened can be given a new chance or like starting back at square one.  Ironically the same can be said for my cycle 😉  FF decided this morning I was not 15DPO but only 3 DPO.  Last night I went to bed with a BFN (FRER) and a heavy heart.   I prayed fervently for AF to start and for GOD to grant me the patience and understanding that this was not our cycle.  Although it may still not be our cycle, we were given a new chance.  Never underestimate the small things in life, because sometimes all the small things you have happen can amount to more than you could have ever imagined.  I will not relish on what could have been but rather what is in front of me.  If this cycle is a true BUST then I will preserve through the next one.

*Until then love, hope, and…..snowflakes 😉 *

 

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Can It Be?!

I was going to hold off on testing but broke down at 12DPO, the day I had a huge temp drop.  I was fully discouraged and knew the test would show nothing.. but instead a faint faint line appeared.  Now, granted this was a Wal-Mart cheapie so I went about my day and figured AF would show up before the night was over.  Nightfall came and went with no trace of AF.  The next morning, today, I recorded my temp at a staggering high temp and got a bit excited but  fell back asleep.   Well I woke up some time later and used SMU only to get a darker line than the night before!!!! What?!?!? Well I decided to test with a FRER with the same urine and blaring BFN 😦  So now I am sitting in limbo hoping to get out of it soon.  The fact I have never had a false negative or positive with the Wal-Mart cheapie does give me some hope.  I have read online on many occasions women have the same problem I have and on the other side of the spectrum the cheapie has not been as reliable.  I guess we are truly engineered in many different ways.  So I write this with a tickle of excitement inside me but on the other hand I know it could just be a fluke.  I am going to hold off with testing again till Saturday morning because I only have 1 FRER and 2 Wal-Mart cheapies left.  Oh well GOD has shown HIS mercy with a faint line; with that it truly does give me hope.  Tonight we shall pray and hope that maybe just maybe our RAINBOW is coming 🙂

*Until then love, hope, and raindrops*

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Hormones….

Yes they are really kicking my butt this cycle.. one moment I am super happy and lovey dovey.. the next I want to rip someone’s eyeballs out 😛  All in all, it is completely worth it.  My temp proved to stay right on track but I have resolved to not test till 13/14DPO.  I am all out of HPTs in the house but thought I had at least one Answer test.  I went searching for it tonight but to my surprise could not find it… SO tomorrow will be a FRER run after morning errands.  I have had a bit nausea here and there but I think i can blame my new prenatal on that symptom.  I am scared to test.. I know I will see a BFN and then will just be in denial from there on out.  I do not really have normal cycles so I have no idea when AF will truly show up…  Okay this is a late night (very sleepy) post, so off to bed I go.  T-minus 5 hours till my next temping time… Fingers crossed it is a good one 🙂

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Quick Update!

Well I have been on pins and needles for the last few days because my chart is smoking hot, to say the least.  Fertility Friend (FF) labeled me as triphasic as well.  I have been a bit leery due to the fact I O’d so early in the cycle. Last night had me a bit more confused because my OPK was almost positive. I have seen where women have used an OPK as a HPT, so it had me a bit excited.  I  retested this morning with another OPK and knew it was going to be light because for whatever reason FMU does that to me.  I guess that is why the package says to not use FMU… 😉 Anyways, i will be retesting tonight or tomorrow night with my last OPK and depending on how my temps look the next few days I may test with a HPT on OCT 1st 🙂  Sentimentally, I want to wait till OCT 3rd because that is the day I found out that my IVF failed before.  Emotionally I am happy and nervous, but on the other hand have seen so many BFN’s in my day that this would just come as another reminder of how hard this journey has and will continue to be.  The only bit of light at the end of the tunnel right now is that I am extremely exhausted and had a bit of tugging and pulling down there this morning.  My emotions/hormones are in super drive right now so poor DH gets to put up with that as well.  Praying and taking one day at a time but cannot help to obsess over the possibility this could be real. 

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Rain+bows….

Today has been slightly overcast with bouts of rain here and there.  It is days like this that I tend to lounge on the couch with a book, my laptop, and a cup of hot cocoa; nothing else gets accomplished.  It is also on days like this that I tend to window shop online for my what ifs.  You know the what ifs you ask yourself about almost every topic you can imagine.  Mine always falls into the same category…. What if I get pregnant this month?  What if I get pregnant and cannot go on that trip I have planned?  I think many times DH and I have pushed our wants aside to accommodate pregnancy and it has not happened.  Today was my what if day… It gave me hope as the rain outside washed away all of yesterdays sorrows and brought forth a renewing of the soul.  l always find myself on Etsy looking at bows… and it seems that my rainy days are my bow days as well… My rainbows 🙂 

Anyone who has ever lost a child in any way whether miscarriage or still birth is always looking to the future to bring forth their “rainbow” baby; myself included.  DH and I have contemplated whether we should we do the upstairs “nursery” to create a newness to our situation since the adoption failing or just go with what we have.. and it makes me look online for solace and comfort.  Rainbows always appear after a time of heavy rain and work as a sign of GOD’s promise.  One day my rainbow will appear and all of this will have been worth it but in the process the rain will continue.

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Out of Nowhere

Have you ever noticed the things you want for so long never happen because you want them? BUT the moment you give up or do not care something seems to happen?  I guess the same can be said about anything in life.  For me this has happened one great time and it was when I met DH.  I was young yes but was not looking for anything, no romance, nothing.  But somehow out of all of it I gained a life partner and best friend.  Not expecting it but it just happened to be the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.

I guess I should have really gained this same sense of understanding with my battle with infertility.  For those who have gone through this or are going through it,  it can be a battle of sorts; the smallest efforts can prove to seem monumental, like getting crosshairs on Fertility Friend (FF) out of now where.  Yes, I am officially 4DPO and never had a positive OPK to prove it.  I mean it was not for the lack of trying to get one.  I think I peed on like 5 in one day… Yes rehab for this obsession needs to be put into place for someone like me.. and I do need to take stock out for First Response… I think I could actually be rich….. Anyways out of no where I got a huge temp jump and I am talking like EARLY in my cycle… Now I am slowly holding on to the concept that maybe this was just a fluke and waiting for the temp to dip again and prove that I indeed did not ovulate.  BUT again this morning another high temp… holding my breath and will most likely pass out at any minute….  Nonetheless this was a HUGE improvement over the last couple of cycles.  After much research on the topic of SOY ISOFLAVONES I decided to give them a try.  I had a bit of red cervical mucous spotting last night that was dashed with a bit of pink and brown… Yeah I went there.. TMI…  BUT it was the first time EVER that has ever happened to me.  I guess the next few days will give way to the truth.  Until then I am going to marvel in the small accomplishment my body decided to try for this month.  Ovulating on CD 11 is unheard of for me BUT it is the small things in life like this that can make an infertile woman happy.   Sometimes it is the blessing that come OUT OF NOWHERE that we have to hold on too.  I have no idea how this will turn out but just knowing that something is changing inside me, makes this whole process worth it in many ways.  The irony of this whole situation is that if we are successful, I would be due the same day I would have been due with our IVF baby….. Must to ponder on this and prayers to be said.

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Hope Arises

Today I woke up with a sense of optimism, which is different for me since the last few months have been filled with stress of the unknown.   About a week ago we FINALLY took down the nursery and moved the rooms around upstairs.  Yes it took me over a year to fully grasp the concept that our adoption had fully failed 😦  I believe this was a time of true mourning for me because I still think of the kids and some nights I have very vivid dreams about them looking for us because they are in trouble.  N’s birthday is approaching fast and I remember how much we were set on planning out his 2nd birthday as if it were his first ever.  BUT today, optimism feels my heart.  I do not know if it is because DH and I have gotten so much closer from all these things that have happened to us or if I am just not now allowing GOD’s reassurance to fill my soul.  Either way I welcome it with an open mind and heart.  Taking down the nursery was the final step in my process and it had to be done.  DH was great about it and there were some tears but over all we are starting over again and the future is going to be filled with happiness, I just know it.  I will have my baby one way or another and one day we will get the chance to fully be a family in one or another.

We have discussed going back to a new Reproductive Endocrinologist after the first part of the year and are looking at cycling in Feb or March, weather and emotions permitting.  Until then we are going to continue to be as healthy as possible and take supplements to help our efforts.  I have battled a weight issue since my IVF and it grew to a steadily horrible status back in 2011At  (355 lbs) that point I knew that I had to lose it or never have the chance at getting pregnant.  On June 8, 2013 I weighed in at 255 lbs., which was the day I came to call my 100 pound celebration.  Since then I have wavered between 255 and 260 but have stayed at a constant plateau and am working on that more than ever.  We are going to be adding swimming 3 times a week to our routine.  Yes, I am still over weight… Yes it is my fault.. but I have come so far in this journey both physically and emotionally.

2014 will be our year.. I cannot say that enough without feeling a bit of excitement arise within me 🙂  Until then I am going to hug, kiss,and love my dear husband with all my heart because if anything comes from this life, it is that I married the most amazing man in the world.

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In Order to Fully Understand, One Must Go Back to the Beginning

Before our journey into infertility, we were optimistically looking to our future.  The idea of children was discussed but we decided to dwell in the newness of our marriage first.  Life took us by the arm and 8 weeks after we were married we found out we were pregnant with our first.  To say the least we were scared but at the same time excited.  We knew we wanted loads of kids but did not know when the right time was truly right.  After awkwardly explaining to people our news and how it had happened as a surprise, we were left distraught when our second ultrasound showed no heartbeat.  In less than no time we went from parents-to-be to miscarriage survivors.  After much testing it showed that I had PCOS  and our efforts could take some time for pregnancy to happen again.   We continued for over two years with low grade infertility treatments (money being the main issue) only to have no success what so ever.  We then moved on to IVF once we felt we could financially and emotionally endure it.  We found a great RE in Indianapolis after months of research who was willing to take on our case and ages (22 and 23).  We were truly young in age but my fertility/hormones had the effects of almost someone who was pre-menopausal.  Our cycle came with great chance and we persevered through the injections, blood work, ultrasounds, and finally the IVF procedure itself.   With much response but little quality in the eggs that were extracted, we were left with only 2 embryos for a 3 day transfer.  With nothing to freeze for a later time, we waited till the beta to see if we had been successful or not.  The answer came on one of the coldest days in October….cold and rainy.   Raindrops fell so steadily it was hard to truly grasp the reality that our cycle had been a bust.  Left with nothing to try for again and our savings drained, we gave up.

As time progressed we grew to the idea that it would only be the two of us.  We decided we were okay with it.  My husband  joined the Air Force right after his 25th birthday and life seemed to pick up.  This was the period we came to call “between the raindrops” because life was looking up and our situation seemed to be so far in the past it left only hope for the future.  Once we were settled in our new home, across the country, we started feeling like it was time to try again for a family.  This time we looked at adoption as an option.  After a few months of researching we found what we thought would be most most amazing adoption agency.  We worked hard to get our training out of the way and home study completed as we knew the actual process of finding a match would take time.  Within three months of turning in our final paperwork, we were matched with three beautiful children ages 1, 2, and 4.  It was a dream come to true to have our family complete and siblings.  We welcomed them into our home with open arms and open hearts.  Seven short days later, the birth mother recanted giving up her children to Children Services and they were taken from our home to be reunited with their birth mother.  Now, this was the hardest thing I had ever had to endure.  Knowing that the State hoped more cases would end well like ours, it left our hearts even more torn and beat up.  The day they left the rain began just as it had the day we found out our IVF cycle had not worked.

Now with more than five years worth of infertility under our belts and almost two years since our failed adoption placement we are striving to look to the future.  We have not given up and pray it will happen naturally again, but know that fertility treatments are once again in our near future. 2014 will be a new year filled with new things and hopefully somewhere in the mix of it we will find a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Life turns out in many different ways but in the end GOD knows the future we cannot even begin to grasp in our minds.  One day our journey will make sense but until then we will dance when the rain comes and have faith, hope, and love between the raindrops.

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